Jessica Pons for BIBooks Insider is a regular feature from Dan Slater about the latest and best books in business and self improvement. Each month, through essays and interviews, Dan will introduce you to today's most fascinating authors.America is in the throes of a "silent epidemic: a connection crisis," writes best-selling author Vanessa Van Edwards. We're hanging out less. We're talking to chatbots and agents more than we talk to people. The share of US adults who say they have no close friends rose from 3% in 1990 to 12% in 2023. We've lost the subtle art of conversation. Van Edwards, who has more than a million followers on Instagram and runs an Austin-based behavioral research lab called Science of People, wants to help us reconnect.In her new book, "Conversation: How to Connect with Anyone and Make Every Interaction Count," she writes: "'I like you' might be the three most powerful words you can gift someone else. Why? Because we're terrified of being unlikable. And research shows that we grossly underestimate how much people like us." If venturing an "I like you" feels weird, that's okay. Exposure to social risk decreases our sensitivity to rejection and strengthens our confidence in connection. Confidence "is not the absence of discomfort — it's feeling awkward and doing it anyway," writes Van Edwards.We all have "conversational power," she argues, and in "Conversation," Van Edwards' third book, she offers a blueprint for building it. The chapters are short, clear, and propulsive. The book's central aim is to guide the reader through three ascending levels of conversation. Some of her advice may sound woo-woo, but Van Edwards, a world class talker, swears by it."We grossly underestimate how much people like us," says Van Edwards.Jessica Pons for BIAt Level 1, putting people at ease, Van Edwards instructs us to banish small-talk and awkward silences by turning conversation into a treasure hunt. Don't ask: What do you do? Ask: What do you like to do? Lead with stories, not facts. And don't be afraid to add flair, or what Van Edwards calls conversational confetti: Can I tell you something really weird? To be more likeable in conversation, look for moments where you can authentically say, "Tell me more." To listen well, tilt your head slightly to one side, exposing neck and ear. To sound smart, ask for advice, or ask your conversation partner: What have you always wanted to learn? Have an upcoming business book that Dan can't miss? Get in touch: bydanslater@gmail.com At Level 2, connecting deeply, we share and build one another's dreams. Avoid being quick to tarnish someone's aspirations with skepticism; get excited with them, and bring ideas. And if you don't love their dream, be curious rather than doubtful. Ask for more details. Who will this dream help?It's our dreams, after all, that give our lives meaning, which is what Level 3 is all about. "When done well," Van Edwards writes, "Level 3 creates the rarest of relationships — the kind built on mutual insight, not just mutual interests."I recently caught up with Van Edwards for a conversation about "Conversation."DS: I used to consider myself a conversationalist. Reading "Conversation" made me realize how superficial many of my conversations are.VVE: I was having conversations that, even though I was trying, were more like surface-level updates. How's the family? How are the kids? Very fact finding. And I wondered why I didn't look forward to socializing, why I was always so drained by my interactions.DS: You begin the book with a painfully funny anecdote about how you once lost out on a big career opportunity when nerves got in the way. You were trying to perform rather than be present. Now, when you're working with students, whether at Google or Harvard, how do you move them away from old conversational habits that kill connection?VVE: I ask a simple question: "How exhausting is it to make small talk?" And everyone agrees that it's totally exhausting. And I say, "It's because you're trying to be impressive." Oddly, now that we have fewer conversations, we feel like the conversations we do have matter more. Some people only see their boss once a year, at the off-site, and think, I better be impressive! But it's tiring, and never works.DS: While I was reading, I suffered a Level 1 conversation defeat. My son had a friend over. When the friend's dad came to pick up his kid, I asked him what he was up to for the rest of the day. He was like, "I'm going home to do the quarterly taxes for my business, and then my wife is making dinner." And that was it.VVE: Always ask for stories, not facts. And respond with stories, not facts. A fact is a dead-end. A story is a doorway.DS: Your story about trying to find friends for your husband made me laugh. Why do men struggle to connect?VVE: I don't know. I'm not a man. But what I have seen is that if a man is happy — in his home life, his routine, his business — he thinks he doesn't
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